Madam Minnie (madam_minnie) wrote in puppydiaries,
Madam Minnie
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SIRIUS BLACK'S DIARY (July/August 1978)

Title: Sirius Black Diaries (July/August 1978)
Author: dee_ryma
Rating: R
Summary: July and August 1978. Sirius is training to become an Auror and receives some bad news. And I really suck at summaries.
Feedback: Please do. I need help. Siriusly. *dodges rotten vegetables thrown for using bad pun*
A/N: don't worry puppy lovers, I still believe in happy endings, I do, I do. Oh, and new icon is from raelala




5 July 1978 7:15 (19:15)
Wrote the “lips” letter. Remus’ reply to my first letter was short. He just let me know he was settled in and had gone to the neighbourhood pub. That was it. No sexy reply, no admonishment either. Nothing. Maybe he doesn’t want other people reading his innermost thoughts and desires. Training is more difficult than I thought it would be. They change the weather conditions on us constantly. Small supply of pepper-up potion. Can’t go into detail. Prongs is holding up well. He sent another five-page letter to Lily; she sent him a four page one. Without anything sexual in it. Why couldn’t Remus do the same? I would enjoy hearing about that pub. How the sixty-year-old man in the back corner always orders 2 shots of scotch, nothing more. Or how the shift workers come in every Friday for a couple of pints and a few sets of billiards. Not that I know these things, but it would be nice to hear how normal things are in the world. Something to look forward to. Maybe he’s saving all of this for when my training is over. Make-up sex is great, but I-haven’t-seen-you-in-six-weeks sex tops it every time. And there’s no time to wank off in the showers. By the end of training, well, Remus will not be leaving the bedroom for days. I’ll be testing his stamina. Time’s up again.

12 July 1978 7:25 (19:25)
Sent off the tongue letter. Sore, tired, and randy as sin. I got a one-page response to my last letter. He’s doing something for Dumbledore. Moony’s been hanging around with a muggle he met at the pub. At least he’s going out and meeting people. He’s going to his parents’ house for the full. I hate that he has to do that. I should be done before August’s moon. Prongs, Padfoot, Moony and Wormtail will run again! Did I mention that I was sore? And randy too, but too exhausted to do anything about it. Hell, I’d give anything just hear Moony’s voice even reading the H.o.M. textbook. Anything other than these terse letters. Something’s going on and I don’t like it.

19 July 1978 7:15 (19:15)
Something’s going on all right. Remus has decided that we really need to not date each other. Here’s his response to my letters:

Sirius,

I received your last letter. And the ones before were...interesting. And knowing how...intensely you feel makes this much more difficult. However, we need to stop seeing each other. It's just too much too soon and we're not ready for that kind of commitment. I'd like to experience life on my own with no strings attached. I need to grow on my own, independent of others' wishes for me. You should too. You are entirely too dependent upon others for your happiness. I need to breathe. It is my hope that we can remain friends.

Remus

What the fuck! I’m too fucking pissed off to write! “It is my hope that we can remain friends.” Fuck, it’s so fucking formal even from Remus. What the fuck is going on?

26 July 1978 7:20 (19:20)
etter to Nymphie and one to Andy. Nymphie is writing me back. So I have letters from my 7-year-old cousin to cheer me up. Yeah, I’m not convinced either. At least training is wearing me out so I don’t think about it. I’m thinking about doing 2 weeks of specialized training after the normal six weeks. Prongs isn’t; he’s dying to see Lily. She has to have known about this and she didn’t give me any warning. Prongs says I'm just lashing out at innocent people because I’m unable to knock sense into Moony’ thick skull. Prongs wants me to go home with him; right, and I’ll be the fifth wheel. No thanks; I’ll take on the extra training. Too tired to think or write anymore. I think I’ll go try to drown myself in the showers now.

2 August 1978 7:45 pm (19:45)
Wrote to Andy, Nymphie, and Peter. Obviously didn't drown myself in the showers. Progressed beyond anger/depression, progressed beyond feeling anything. I'm numb. And I don't understand. Why? Everything was going fine. Okay things were weird in June, but other than that... Prongs is standing firmly by my side. Great mate. Too bad he's not staying on for the extra training. He's going home on the 8th. So I'll have another person to write to. Haven't got any more letters from Remus. Pillock.

9 August 1978 7:50 pm (19:50)
Had a lot of letters to write. Will be in combat zone from Monday until Friday. Simulations, of course. Then next week I get specialised training in case of capture. Fun. Sarcasm. Well, it beats sulking around an empty house though. I don't feel like writing anymore.

16 August 1978 8:10 pm (20:10)
Wrote some more letters. Will be dismissed on the 21st. Then will most likely be assigned to office work for a month. That is how it works in the ministry. Prongs is already thinking about popping the question. Slow down mate; it took you 6 years to get her to agree to 1 date. She better say yes if he does propose; I don't want to be near him if she refuses. She won't of course. That's why they fought so much; she couldn't admit that she liked him. I want Remus back. I can't live without him.

21 August 1978 10:30 pm
Back home. I have a week off before I report to the ministry. Desk job first. Did I call it or what? Here's their reason: I was too reckless with myself during the simulations. I took unnecessary risks. I didn't send anyone into danger, but the commanding officer did a number of times. However, doing it my way, I always caught the opponents without doing harm to myself or others. In fact, I caught my opponents faster than the other trainees who stuck to the playbook. I thought the purpose of being an Auror was to catch the bad guys as quickly as possible to minimise damage. I suppose I was wrong again.

I'm always fucking wrong. I can't do one fucking thing in my life right. I'm supposed to visit James and Lily tomorrow. She picked out a house while he was in training. He's going to pop the question after they've moved in. Well, isn't that fucking lovely for them! All happy ever after tied with a pretty pink ribbon! I can't stand having a week off, too much thinking. I need something to do or I'll wallow in the sad state of my life. Why? Why the fuck...? I refuse to answer that question. He didn't leave me. Not really. It was all a bad dream. And I'll wake up from it any day now.

23 August 1978 11:21 am
And the nightmare continues. Massive fucking hangover. All was well with James and Lily, except when James let slip that Remus had been "seeing" someone. So, I got piss drunk last night, passed out in my living room (thankfully not in my vomit), then got up and sobbed my little heart out, also cleaned up my mess. I should have known. I knew all along, but hoped it wasn't so. I'm not good enough for him. I knew that. Sure I got respectable marks, but I slid by on natural ability. I never applied myself. I'll never be as intelligent as him; he speaks French, German, a bit of Russian, reads all the time. I'm lucky I know English; okay, I can speak passable French thanks to dear old Bitch. I think it's time for that hangover potion and that motorbike. I wonder how much those cost? Maybe I could enchant it to fly... There's a time consuming project for me. Excellent. I will buy one tomorrow.

25 August 1978 2:30 pm
Didn't get out of bed until lunchtime. I bought a Norton Commando 1975. First photo:

It's fast, man. Top speed is 190 km/h. Drove it all over the countryside yesterday. I am going to enchant it; just need to figure out how. Maybe see Dung for some ideas. I got a full repair manual for it, so I'll know how to put it back together when I take it apart to charm it. I didn't come in until my mind started to wander and imagine having someone riding behind me. It's over; I have to accept that. And yet, some part of me knows that we will get back together. Maybe I finally have lost it and slipped into a delusional state. At least they know me there. And James is going on about how I'm too young to have a mid-life crisis. I think he's jealous because Lily won't let him get a bike of his own. Smart woman.

26 August 1978 8:30 pm
Have the bike all apart. Been putting levitation, navigation, flight, and all other manner of charms. Trying to figure out how to put an invisibility booster on without damaging the muggle circuitry. The rate I'm going, I might have it done by the end of the year. Or the end of the week. Depends how obsessed I get. I can't get his damn letter out of my head. I know I'm driving Prongs mad. Peter's coming over tomorrow to help with the bike. I can drive him insane too. I suppose the bike isn't such a good distraction after all. Start office work on Monday. Oh, I can hardly bear the excitement.

27 August 1978 9:30 pm
Oh, Peter was a great help today. He didn't know any of the tools. So today consisted of me telling him to get the metal wand with a claw shape at the top, and so forth. And he said it was time for me to move on. Maybe the thing with Remus had more to do with convenience than anything else. Two mates, wolf and a dog, close quarters during puberty, one thing led to another, in essence, fuck mates. Not for me, it wasn't. I love him: the way he almost always has his nose in a book, the way he looks at me when I've done something amusing and foolish, the way I don't feel the need to prattle on in his presence--I'm comfortable just sitting in silence with him-- the way he gets frustrated when I make a brilliant yet erratic move while playing chess, the way he breathes in my ear to wake me up, the way he fits in my arms, the way he can stop me from making an utter arse of myself with a look, the way he completes me... Would go on, but now it's depressing me. I can't or won't believe that I was a mere convenience. It was much more than that. And maybe that's why... he was scared? How can you be scared of something that's good?

31 August 1978 12:20 pm
Lunch hour, finished the bike. It's a dream really. I'm quite proud of myself. Meeting Peter for drinks tonight. He deserves a round or two for putting up with me lately. And I just got an assignment; I'll be gone for September's moon too. Prongs won't. Don't care if I'm not speaking to Remus; Prongs and Wormtail can run with the wolf while I'm gone. We didn't take all that risk not to help Remus. If he doesn't like it, tough shite. He's going to my cottage and Moony, Prongs, and Wormtail will run through the woods. And that's that.
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