Feedback: Please do. I need help. Siriusly. *dodges rotten vegetables thrown for using bad pun*
A/N: don't worry puppy lovers, I still believe in happy endings, I do, I do. Oh, and new icon is from raelala
2 July 1978
Well, I replied to Sirius’ letter. I couldn’t think of anything to say; "I met a drama student who is well-read, a lot like me, and I’d shag him if I knew he wanted to…" So, I told him I was settled in, had found a job, and had visited the neighbourhood pub. How do you reply to a letter describing how he likes to be hand-fucked by you? I’m not writing in kind; I know those letters are read before they get to them. I also wrote James. I let him know a bit more. I didn’t mention Daniel though.
3 July 1978
Othello was superb, a really good production. Hamlet still remains my favourite tragedy though. Daniel’s friend, Emma, played Desdemona. This same friend took us to a pub to get us pissed. Then, in her very inebriated state asks Daniel if I’m his new "friend" and she winks conspiratorially. That answered my question about Daniel’s sexual preference. It seems too soon to make that jump. I haven’t really broken it off with Sirius yet. Even if I did snog Daniel at some point during the cab ride home… I’m just so confused right now.
4 July 1978
Work continues to amuse me. I’ve got quite good at making cocktails. I have decided that politely rebuking flirtatious patrons only encourages them to try harder. I have discovered that by flirting they ease off a bit and I get much better tips. I have yet to receive a second letter from Sirius. I wonder if my short note put him off… I really had no idea what I wanted to say. I was afraid of revealing too much too soon. I’m not cheating on him; we’ve broken up. He just doesn’t know that yet.
5 July 1978
I just sent Daniel home. He took me out for dinner and then we walked some of the wine off. I went on a real date. Sneaking off to a room in Hogwarts for sex does not count as a romantic date. And why do I care? I’m turning into a complete poufster. Perhaps I was mistaken, maybe I do want to be wined and dined. Maybe it was just the thought of Sirius wining and dining me that was so ridiculous. I’ve known him for seven years; going through the awkwardness of dating was just preposterous. He did make me that dinner before June’s full moon. And why am I defending him to myself?
7 July 1978
I received a letter from Sirius in the post today. Lovely, Sirius, you’re so thoughtful and romantic. I knew I should have waited to send mine. I wrote him about work and such. A little more about my "training" which has turned into paperwork now. I’m going over maps of D.E. activity to see if there is a pattern. Lots of fun to be had. All he misses is the sex. We were friends first; doesn’t he miss any of that? I’m not going to read any more letters he sends me. And if Daniel wants to do more than snog, we’ll do it. At least he’s interested in my intellect instead of my cock.
9 July 1978
Had a lunch "quickie;" Daniel gives excellent head. It did feel a bit odd though, but that’s to be expected. He will be going to France for two weeks; he leaves on the 12th. I don’t have to cover for the full moon this time. I have to work through the 15th to have off that Friday and Saturday. Luckily the club is closed on Sundays. However, I will be working this Sunday, cleaning up from Saturday night and possibly doing some grocery shopping.
12 July 1978
I gave Daniel a send-off last night. It wasn’t the best fuck I’ve had, but Daniel seemed to enjoy himself. He is much more suited to me. I need to write Sirius and tell him it’s over. I’ve been postponing it, but now it can’t wait. It wouldn’t be fair to Daniel. And Moody is here to collect some paperwork and probably dump some more on me. Great. I get in around four in the morning and shower and go to bed. I start work at seven or eight at night. When the hell am I supposed to get sleep or have a personal life?
14 July 1978
Sent Sirius the break-up letter. I have received a letter from him. I have not read it, nor will I. I can surmise what he has written about: SEX. I know it seems cruel to break up with him via letter while he’s training to get himself killed, but it’s cruel to me to continue to live a lie. It hurts to think of it as a lie; we just want different things out of a relationship. I want a companion to converse with and share experiences; he wants sex. Peter agrees with me. Sirius is a physical person; I am an intellectual/emotion person. The two types do not fare well together. They are in a constant state of not understanding each other. Still, fucking Sirius was much, much better than fucking Daniel. Oh great, here I go again. No more entries until after the full moon.
17 July 1978
It’s odd to be in my bedroom at home and yet it’s not really my bedroom. I meant at my parents’ house. I suppose it will always remain home though. I am never taking my friends for granted again. It has been so long since I had to endure a moon alone and restrained… I feel worse than utter shite. Every muscle is beyond sore, I’ve had random cramps all day, and my head would feel so much better if it would just split open and let the pressure out. My mum is drawing me a bath at the moment. I hope I can walk down the hall without her help. What I wouldn’t give for one of Sirius’ massages right now. She’s calling; I better get in there before she tries to carry me, ha ha ha.
19 July 1978
I did not mean that I missed Sirius; I only wanted my muscles to not be sore. I don’t miss him and I don’t need his "massages." I was weak Saturday. It’s Monday and I am going to work tomorrow night. Right now I’m taking a break from research on a few artefacts in the Dept. of Mysteries. I’m back to being a bookworm. There are far worse things I could be doing. Seven days until Daniel’s return. He’s been sending postcards every day. Today he’s supposed to be touring the Louvre. I wish I were there with him. Well, we can’t always have what we want. I am feeling much, much better than I was on Saturday. Oh god, August’s moon! I hope ending my relationship with Sirius won’t cause problems for it. Fuck, why didn’t I think of that before? I know how juvenile Sirius can be. On the other hand, I don’t think he’d be that low. No, not even Sirius would be so selfish as to make me go through that amount of pain. Even if I deserve it… I mustn’t think like that. I did the right thing. I know I did.
20 July 1978
Nothing much going on. I got a letter from James, nothing from Sirius. James informed me that Sirius seemed quite taken aback by my letter. Also, James is thinking about proposing to Lily but I am strictly forbidden from telling her anything. What else? Oh yes, apparently I am a great git but he’s sure I have my reasons and my reasons had better not be that I’m banging another bloke, even if I am. I must draft a letter explaining… I shouldn’t though; I don’t owe James an explanation. Sirius can just read him my letter; my reasons are quite clear and concise. Daniel will be back in six days. Can’t wait to have another go at him; I’m sure this time will be better.
21 July 1978
Lily and her friend Amanda Bones came into the Collar last night. They looked like they had a fantastic time. Mandy tried to flirt with me for a bit, but we did go on a few dates back in fourth year. She could be a hellcat at times. She really gave Sirius and James a run for their money. Lily is hiding her anxiety well. I know she’s unhappy with James’ decision to become an Auror, but at least he asked for her opinion on the matter. She said that they had quite a few long talks before he sent off his application. Sirius and I had none. He just told me he got an application and would be sending it in. Never asked what I thought or how I felt about it. I’m starting to sound like broken record. Sirius and I are over; there is no need to dredge up past hurts.
23 July 1978
Daniel is due in three days. Lily has started a countdown for it. I had supper last night at the Evans’s. Mr. Evans has quite the record collection; full of artists I haven’t heard of: Count Basie, Benny Goodman, Glen Miller, Cole Porter… I think I need to pick up some of their records next time I’m in a shop. Their music is simultaneously invigorating and soothing. Quite different from the Sex Pistols or The Clash. I believe I rather enjoy swing music. I am getting in touch with my inner little old man; all I need is a cardigan, perhaps not. I have discovered another facet to my personality. I love when that happens; well, only if it is a pleasant discovery. The discovery that on full moon days if Sirius so much as innocently brushed against me, perhaps he was jostled in the halls… anyway, it would make me want to rip his clothes off, push him against a wall, and fuck him until I passed out. That was not a particularly pleasant discovery. In theory it was pleasurable, but not pleasant to think that I would want to do that to anyone. It is just another reminder of the monster that lies within.
25 July 1978
Daniel surprised me last night by popping in on me at work. He wasn’t due back for two days. Sirius would have stayed an extra week. Who am I kidding? Sirius would have insisted I tag along which would have led to my unemployment. Thankfully, I am with someone with much more sense, and who won’t force me to lose my sense. BLISS. So, why am I fidgeting? Why do I keep writing about Sirius when I am with Daniel? Perhaps I don’t want to know the answer to that question. Anyway, Daniel stopped by at the end of my shift last night. We went back to his place and I fucked him. It was better than the last time, but something still seems to missing. We’re not having the mind-blowing sex I thought we would be. If we’re compatible on all of these levels, why hasn’t the sex started to improve? What is missing?
27 July 1978
James has written to me again. No letter from Sirius. James wrote me that Sirius would be staying two weeks longer for specialised training. How To Resist Torture in Case of Capture, How To Brew Antidotes to Poisons; things like that. It’s stuff James will pick up during his "field time" working in the Auror department. Sirius will go into the department with a higher ranking than James. What this means is that only Prongs and Wormtail will be present for August’s moon. Sirius told James to use the cottage. So, he’s not a complete brat. Although, what did I expect? Did I even want a broken-hearted, miserable Sirius there for a full moon? Moony is dangerous; Prongs, Wormtail and Padfoot need to have their wits about them at all times… And I’ll have to come up with some excuse for Daniel. When did life get even more complicated?
31 July 1978
I have to give Daniel credit for his inventiveness; his idea certainly spiced up the sex last night. I hadn’t had an orgasm that intense since S… yes. Well, his idea was a foray into some sub/dom play. I was a bit put-off at first, but I summoned that Gryffindor spirit of adventure and plunged in. It was mild compared to what I’ve heard of that scene. Daniel called me "sir;" I refused the master/slave connotations. Obviously I was the dom, Daniel the sub. The rush of having that much control over another’s pleasure and my own… Anyway, it certainly was different. I wouldn’t want to do that every time we have sex; it can’t lead to a healthy relationship. Maybe once or twice a week would be acceptable. Daniel believes it is a good way to work out the frustrations that an out of control world causes. I am inclined to agree with him. I feel much more upbeat today than I have in a long time. Maybe three or four times a week would be a good idea. He mentioned adding some bondage next time, but I’m not sure how I feel about that. He wants me to tie his hands to the headboard and use a cock ring on him as well. The idea sounds rather arousing. I could take my time learning his body… I might want to secure his legs as well. He would be at my mercy. I could do whatever I want with his body. I think I’m beginning to enjoy this bondage idea, very much so.