1 October 1978
Haven’t received a reply from Sirius yet. At least I got a few things off of my chest. I had training with Moody at 4 am today. It’s quite lovely to get in from work at 3:30 am and have exhaustive physical training at some moor in Scotland for two hours before sunrise. It was cold, damp, and I was bloody tired. Dumbledore is not sending me on anymore ambassador trips; he doesn’t want me in trouble with the Ministry.
2 October 1978
Got a short reply from Sirius. He’s a right bastard. He angered me on purpose as he claims it is the only way he knows how to get me to “open up.” He knows just how to toy with me. Hmm, does this line mean he’s coming on to me: “the enormity of my sex… drive…” Subtlety was never his greatest strength. His letter did make me smile. But I need to address this issue about my not being “open.” Our ideas of openness differ. He blurts out whatever he’s thinking or feeling regardless of the consequences; whereas, I reflect first then decide whether it would be best to keep quiet or speak up. There are less apologies and hurt feelings that way. Plus, I’m already a werewolf; I don’t need foot-in-mouth disease too. He wants my opinion on curtain patterns? Well, two can play the teasing game. And I am a much better tease than he is.
4 October 1978
A day off from everything, bliss. Maybe I gave Sirius too much hope. I didn’t mean by my curtain comment to suggest that I would be living with him. I was merely implying that in the near future I might spend a few nights over there. Naked. In bed with an equally nude Sirius. Hopefully, we would both be well sated. And naked, but I mentioned that. I wonder how long it will take him to respond to my latest letter?
5 October 1978
No reply from Sirius. Maybe he’s too busy doing celebratory gymnastics to calm down and write a response. Lily is sure that James will be proposing to her soon. Personally, I think we’re all too young to be making that sort of commitment. I’ve never considered marriage as an option. Who would want to tie herself to a werewolf? Households don’t need two adults becoming cranky during “that time of the month.” And then I discovered that I liked men. Actually, one in particular, but I settled for a few flings in the meantime, only to discover that he returned my feelings. And what did I do? I discarded him when we had a problem he didn’t know we were having because I didn’t want to discuss it. That’s a total cock-up on my part. So now I think we’re fixing the problem. I hope we are. I miss him.
7 October 1978
Well, I received a letter from Sirius. He’s going on an assignment soon. And Peter has set him up on a blind date. With a woman. Sirius was quite adamant in his letter about not liking tits and vaginas. He says something about me mounting my noble steed and coming to his rescue. Unfortunately I can’t as this date occurs on Saturday and I have to work. I wouldn’t object to a mounting though. Particularly if the mountee had previously disowned the most noble and ancient house of Black. Need to add that as a postscript and send it off now. Done. Let’s see how he reacts to an overt sexual invitation, because I’m tired of wanking. And I miss making him come. Actually, I miss a lot of things about him. Starting from our friendship and continuing through everything else.
9 October 1978
Another letter from Sirius; he missed my postscript, I’m certain of it. Either that or he’s too pissed off about the date horror to comprehend the enormity of my statement. I need to have a shower and get dressed; I’m running a bit behind schedule. I’ll have to put my make-up on when I get to work, just some lip-gloss and eyeliner though.
10 October 1978
Just got in from work. I completely lost control tonight. Sirius was having a pee in one of the cubicles in the employee’s loo when I came in. I was so focused on being late that I didn’t realise he was there until he came out of the stall and I saw his reflection. Yes, need to apologise straight away. Where’s my parchment?
11 October 1978
Sent off an apology. I found a letter from Sirius in which he addresses my postscript about mounting. I wanted to so desperately Saturday night. He was right there and quite ready. He even took off my shirt. I’ve missed his hands, the way they make my skin buzz. Thousands of tiny pinpricks of electric heat: his lips, his tongue, him, and what he does to me. I want to melt into him. His hands were everywhere Saturday, his cock rubbing against mine. God his arse looked good in those trousers; it felt good too. I WANT HIM. Preferably naked and writhing underneath me. And incapable of coherent speech. I’d prefer panting and moaning, but I wouldn’t object to a well-shouted “ohgodyesyesfuckmepleaseyesohgodharderpl
12 October 1978
I have two days off starting today. Off from everything. Granted, tonight is the full moon, so tomorrow’s already booked for recovery. I’m quite on edge. I think I’ll make some tea and put some photos into my albums; I’ve been meaning to do that since June, I just haven’t had the time.
Just finished putting the last of the photos into the album. I got sidetracked by some photos of my sixth year at school. I had an unexpected growth spurt from five feet five inches to six feet. As if I weren’t gangly and awkward before… Sirius and James were lucky; they grew in moderation, a few inches a year, not half a foot in one month. I felt so freakish that year, for a number of reasons. I’m only now growing into my frame and that’s because Moody is a slave driver. Thanks god I have a few days off from him. I suppose I am becoming more comfortable with my physical appearance. I’m not parading around my flat starkers admiring my reflection from all angles, but I am more comfortable with myself. I did acquire a few new scars from last month, but they’re nothing noticeable, except for Sirius. Fuck. Why did I tell him I’d be there early? We don’t need to talk alone. We don’t need to be alone full stop. Nothing would stop me from… Let me think. James and Peter should be there by seven at the latest. If I get there close to six-thirty, someone would be early and ruin any kind of “mood” we may have got into. Perfect! Remember to bring my journal. I doubt Sirius will let me do anything strenuous tomorrow. He can be worse than Madam Pomfrey sometimes!
13 October 1978
About bloody time he left me alone. Sirius is cooking lunch. He’s been mothering me all morning. You shag someone on the bathroom floor and on their bedroom floor and they attach themselves to your hip! Oh Merlin, did I lose control yesterday. If Sirius hadn’t kept his wits about him, Peter would have walked in on me buggering Sirius into the sofa. Thankfully Sirius had enough self-control to get us into the bathroom and turn on the tap, but we never made it into the tub. Sirius had his wand in the bedroom so he cast a silencing charm for the second shag. Moony was too controlling for my liking. Although Sirius didn’t complain. I think he may be a sex addict, if there is such a condition. I’m still a bit weak, but I should be moving around this afternoon, if Sirius allows me.
14 October 1978
Some muggles broke into my flat yesterday. They stole my radio and some records. Thankfully I had brought all of my work with me to Sirius’. Dumbledore insists that I stay at the cottage until he finds someplace more secure for me. I’m temporarily moving to the cottage while Sirius is away on assignment for the ministry. Speaking of the devil, he tried my resolve yesterday, not like I had the energy to do much about it. I settled into the library to work; Sirius went to the living room to prepare for his mission. I went to make tea, which meant I had to pass through the living room to the kitchen. Sirius was doing sit-ups while wearing only shorts. He’s filled into his frame quite nicely as well. I was too busy buggering him on Tuesday to truly appreciate the effect his training has had on his body. That man could have anyone he wants, really anyone, and he wants to be with a werewolf, a male, gangly, awkward, bookish, slightly mischievous, scarred werewolf. Sirius Black is completely nutters.
15 October 1978
Second day of Sirius’ assignment. I’m really worried about him. He’s so bloody reckless it’s unfathomable. I am scared of losing him. If he would just sit still and follow orders, I’d be much more at ease. Maybe if he were allowed to send letters I wouldn’t worry so much. I don’t like this. I don’t like that we jumped into bed together without talking about it before or after. We need to discuss things.
16 October 1978
Even though you’ll never get this letter because: one, I have no intention of sending it, and two, I’m writing it in my journal, I need to express how I’m feeling without yelling at you. First, I miss you too. Second, I hope you are wearing two pairs of woollen socks. Third, why the fuck did you have to become an Auror? Why couldn’t you find a nice, boring desk job and be safe with me? Moody would have trained you and with your gift for languages, you could be on ambassador trips with me instead of chasing giants all over Siberia. Please come home alive and with minimal damage.
17 October 1978
I really fucking hate you. How can you make me feel like the only person in the universe and then go off and leave me alone to worry about you? You’re a fucking bastard and it’s not fair.
18 October 1978
I don’t hate you, not really. You have this ability to make people feel truly loved, like they are the only person on the planet who matters to you. i love you i love you i love you. Come home soon.
19 October 1978
Not in the mood to write a note to Sirius. Not really in the mood to write in my journal, but I have a free moment and didn’t feel like wasting it. I miss him.
20 October 1978
I am sitting in a Laundromat because the towels and aprons needed washing before tonight. So I’m sitting in a Laundromat watching the aprons and towels spin around in the dryer. It is oddly soothing; it puts one into a trance-like state. Ah yes, speaking of “deer in headlights,” James’ birthday is tomorrow. I hope they’re all right, wherever they are.
Have you got on your woollen socks? I wonder what you have planned for James’ birthday… I’m certain you do have something planned; you never miss a party. We all need to meet up to celebrate when you get back home. Dumbledore found me a new flat. It’s nicer than my last one. You should see it sometime. I miss you.
21 October 1978
Tell James Happy Birthday from me. Oh, and would you hurry the fuck up and find the giants? I’m tired of worrying about you coming home in one piece.
23 October 1978
Still out in Siberia? How much longer are you going to be? How did you celebrate James’ Birthday? I drank a toast to him—an entire bottle of Firewhiskey. Poor Peter passed out trying to keep up with me; Lily wound up crying after Peter passed out. Were I a girl, I would have joined her. But alas, I am not; I don’t have tits or a vagina, for which I am eternally grateful. As I recall, you vehemently do not like those body parts. I wish you would get your body parts home soon. I miss them. And, I’m going to regret saying this (even if you’ll never see it, somehow you will know): you are the best friend and lover that I have ever known. Miss you.
24 October 1978
Why aren’t you home yet? How bloody difficult is it to find GIANTS? Is your supervisor that much of an idiot? Moody thinks he is. Well, Moody’s a bit paranoid about Rookwood. He also says to not let Avery get the better of you or James. Please come home soon. And make sure to take a few days off; you and I will need them, promise.
26 October 1978
I can’t write any more letters! I can’t stand this worrying. It’s been almost two bloody weeks! I know Siberia is a vast region, but didn’t they have at least a fifty-mile radius on the giants’ settlement? Fuck! I start work in an hour and oh, fire call.
It was James calling from the Ministry. They’re back, unharmed, and Sirius is under suspension pending review of a charge of insubordination by Rookwood. James is going to Moody’s straight away and he suggested that I go to the cottage after work to make sure that Sirius didn’t do anything stupid. Clearly, Sirius is really hacked off about all of this.
27 October 1978
I am at the cottage. Last night I found Sirius unconscious in the alley right aside of the Glitter Collar. Moody is certain that he was attacked and left there. Sirius hasn’t shown any sign of movement other than breathing. A Healer has been by and confirmed Moody’s suspicions: she thinks Sirius had been repeatedly hit with the Cruciatus. We won’t know the extent of the damage until he wakes up, if he does. I failed to mention that he reeked of alcohol when I found him, but I think Moody figured that out by himself. Peter’s coming round so I can have a rest before I go to work tonight. James, Lily, Peter, and I are taking turns playing nurse… I’m scared, like I never have been before. Please let him be all right…
30 October 1978
Sirius woke up this afternoon. Maybe it was the smell of my tea, I don’t know. Then he passed out again. Wait, he’s awake again. Need to check on him.
31 October 1978
Happy Halloween! Sirius ate a few things yesterday and is awake for longer periods today. All of his mental faculties appear to be fine. He’s quite weak though and is not allowed to do magic for two weeks, Healer’s orders. We’ll have to work overtime in a few days to make sure he follows those orders. I am tempted to hide his wand now, just in case.